Valentine's Day

Ah, Valentine's Day. I like to think of it as an excuse to have a little fun in an otherwise dreary month. An excuse to deck your house with cheery red decorations and act silly and lovey-dovey when the world is cold and white and dreary.

It is not like this every year.

I remember the year that I was once again without a Valentine. Fifteen years ago today, I threw in the towel and decided that I would never have a boyfriend. That I was going to stop waiting for it to happen. That I was going to do things that I'd been waiting to have a boyfriend to do. Like learn to swing dance. The day after Valentine's day, I called a friend of mine and asked him to be my partner so I could learn to swing dance. Funny thing...that friend has been my Valentine ever since ;)

I remember the year that Valentine's day was very painful. See, eight years ago today, it was my due date. For the baby that we lost at nearly 9 weeks gestation. And by the time the due date came around, I STILL wasn't pregnant again. And I remember going to church that week and changing my prayers. I stopped praying for a baby...because it just wasn't happening. And I prayed to accept that I was not in control of this. I understood that this was going to be or not going to be...I couldn't keep being heartbroken about it and I needed to move to acceptance. And 2 weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant again...with my Andrew.

And I remember fondly my first Valentine's Day as a married woman. I was miserable teaching, I was horribly sad being away from my family, I was depressed as all get out. And I knew that Jeff didn't like Valentine's Day, so all I asked was that he enjoy a nice dinner with me. And I came home from work and cooked a dinner (a real novelty at the time) and announced that dinner was ready. Jeff was on the phone and wouldn't get off. So I ate dinner alone. Pissed and sad and wondering where my life was going. And I left to get some party things for my class party the next day. Oh, and I may have left a passive aggressive note on the dinner table. When I got home, Jeff was gone. I sat on the floor and started grading papers. Jeff came back a bit later...with a diamond ring that he'd just ran out and bought out of guilt. Seriously. Who does that? And I thanked him and then told him I couldn't accept it. That I'd always look at it and know that he'd bought it for me because he felt guilty...not because he actually wanted to get it for me. And I made him return it that night. Who does that? And Jeff had to drive back to the mall and give it back to the same woman he'd bought it from 45 minutes earlier. I can't even imagine the embarrassment of that moment. We laugh about it now...but it wasn't funny that day.

This year, I planned to make him a fabulous hot breakfast. And then Lily got me up at 2 and Andrew got me up at 3...and I slept through the alarm. I apologized to him for being a loser. And Jeff covered me with kisses and hugged me tight and didn't even grope me. Now that's love. So I've got to think on my feet. I've decided that later today, the kids and I are going to go to the train station and find his car and fill it with cards and chocolates and other Valentine's Day paraphernalia. So he can be totally embarrassed when he gets off the train tonight. ;)

I get to go watch Andrew's Valentine's Day play today...The Little Red Hen's Valentine Wish. And the kids get to eat their candy treats all day with no restrictions...a little tradition of our own. Tonight I'm making a dinner that everyone will eat. And Jeff and I will enjoy a little mint Bailey's and watch a movie when the kids go to bed.

It's a good Valentine's Day this year. I hope yours is too.