Conversations at dinner

I took the kids out to Wendy's one night by myself.  Jeff was working late and we had swim lessons until dinner time...so viola!  A night out.  I even treated them to a kid's Frosty at the end of the meal.

I don't know why Michael even likes ice cream.  He gets an ice cream headache every 30 seconds or so.  It is excruciating for him to eat ice cream.  But he loves it.  I don't understand it.

I kept telling him to eat smaller bites...that maybe that would help decrease the frequency of the headaches.  If you've ever eaten a Wendy's Frosty, you'll know that their spoons only come in giant ladle size...larger than the size of my children's mouths.  So small bites are nearly impossible.

Michael ladles up a gigantic spoonful of ice cream and says in a silly voice, "Is THIIIIIIIS SMALL ENOUGH?" And then mimes the act of shoving this spoonful into his mouth.

I chuckle at his silliness and say, "Michael.  Stop.  That's gross."

Andrew shovels up a huge spoonful and does basically the same thing, "How about THIIIIIIS?"

I look sharply at him and bark out, "Andrew!  Stop that this instant!  How rude!"

Andrew looks hurt and says, "How come whenever I do something you yell, but when Michael does it it's funny?"

I look at him for a moment and then put my arm around him sympathetically.  "Well, Andrew, I hate to be the one to tell you this...but you just aren't cute enough to get away with it anymore."

Andrew looks insulted.  "What?  I'm not cute?"

I respond, "Well, you are still cuter than me.  I mean, if I were to grab a huge spoonful and do this.." I basically do the same thing they were doing..."...they would call the police and put me in a mental hospital."

The children start giggling.

I continue, "Cuteness is in direct relation to your teeth...did you know that?"

They still giggle and ask me to continue.

"It's true!  The minute Andrew lost his little chicklet teeth and got those big honkers, he lost a lot of his ability to get away with stuff.  Lily should enjoy her cuteness now, because her days are numbered.  And think of a toothless baby!  Holy cow!  They can literally throw up on you and you will think it is cute and acceptable.  If a baby wakes me up 5 times in the night, I'll patiently cuddle and rock them back to sleep.  If Michael wakes me up 5 times a night, I'll be irritated.  If Andrew tries to wake me up 5 times a night, I'll lock my door so he can't come in.  And if your dad wakes me up 5 times a night, I'm moving out."

The kids are rolling on the floor now.

Lily spits out, "And if a baby poops on you, it's okay!"

Andrew says, "And old people who don't have teeth are allowed to do all kinds of stuff...like farting in public and being rude."

Michael grips his head as another ice cream headache overcomes him.

Lily, "I hope I never lose my baby teeth!"

Andrew, "I can't wait until they aren't cute anymore either!"

Me, "I think we're making a scene.  Let's go home."

I suspect I may be making them weird.