Preparing to be self-concious

I am preparing today. Preparing for a much anticipated visitor. My cousin Nicole.

Nicole is my twin. Not really, but that's what we call each other. She was born 20 hours before me and stole my intended name. If I hadn't been so insistant on arriving on my actual due date (I've always demanded being on time), I would be Nicole instead of Giselle. She always lived in Chicago while I lived in Ohio, but I have so many great memories of me and my twin. We thought we looked so much alike that if we dressed the same, people wouldn't be able to tell us apart.

Funny, because we are quite different in many ways. I think I've always been in awe of my cousin...even as a very young child. And before every visit, I get nervous and self-concious of myself. It has been 5 full years since I've seen her, and the feelings are intense.

Nicole is beautiful. Crystal blue eyes, wavy dark hair, and straight white teeth. Contagious laugh and smiling eyes.

Nicole is confident. She never seems awkward or out of place. She is who she is, and makes no apologies.

Nicole is brave. She went to a alternative high school hundreds of miles away from her parents. She has faced chronic debilitating headaches, heart ache, living far from support systems. And without an ounce of self-pity (that I know of), she soldiers on and makes friends and supporters wherever she goes.

Nicole is adventurous. She has traveled the world, taken on big issues, and overseen obstacles to get there.

Nicole is humble. No matter how amazing her life has been, she has the ability to make you feel interesting and worthwhile.

Nicole is so much more. :) How silly to think I could sum her up here. Add that to the fact that I don't even really know her very well...to me she is a composite of childhood memories (she was so good at roller skating and she painted her bathroom freehand and she had this cool closet that you could walk in and play) and stories passed between her father and my mother and then to me (she just spent a year in Uganda working on her PhD something or other) and the few visits we've had as adults (the last time I saw her I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Lily...so I'm pretty sure I barfed while I was hanging out with her...and we were randomly at a fencing tournament for Jeff...I'm sure THAT was exciting for her...and yet I remember her laughing...).


She is in stark contrast to me. You know, the girl who uses self-depricating humor at every turn? The one who cried for 2 weeks because she went to college 45 minutes away from her mommy? The one who has never lived by herself and has kept herself cocooned in safe loving family her whole life? The one who ate at McDonald's in china town in San Francisco because I couldn't read the menus? The one whose most recent great accomplishment is teaching a child to not eliminate his waste into his pants?

After being in Africa for a year, will she look with disgust at the excess that we have? Will my children be obnoxious (yes) and will it make her want to run out and get her tubes tied? There is a lot of pressure for my children to be charming and funny and well-behaved...because they are MY life's work...all I have to show for the last 8 years.

Luckily, I know that when Nicole walks through the door, it will be a blast. There has never been a time where I've felt self-concious or awkward while I'm with her. That's the cool thing about cousins...you just kind of pick up where you left off. So she just needs to GET here, so I can put all this self doubt behind me. Well, I need to sweep the kitchen floor first...but THEN she can get here.