Birth control

Do you know someone contemplating having children, but you really don't think they're ready? Does your spouse want a big family, but you aren't on board? There is a revolutionary new birth control just for you!

It's called "Our house." One visit, and you are guaranteed to reconsider your pro-creative urges.

We suggest an immersion in the environment with at least one of our 3 models. For a sure-fire withering of the ovaries/testes, we suggest an hour or two with all 3 models simultaneously.

Model #1: 4 year old prototype. Characterized by hyperactive, attention-starved, manic behavior. May tickle and touch strangers inappropriately. Will definitely be loud. Also will talk non-stop...only 50% will make any sense. The other 50% will be about poop or eyeballs or imaginary football teams or the adventures of stink bugs.

Model #2: Toddler prototype. Characterized by manic bi-polar schizophrenic behavior. Expect multiple tantrums stemming from anything from not being allowed to go outside to being handed the wrong beverage (even if the toddler specifically asked for that beverage a moment ago). Will thrash on the ground and scream at decibels that can shatter glass. Usually covered in something sticky or sandy or both. Hair will be out of control and sticking to face.

Model #3: Infant prototype. Characterized by loud, emphysema-sounding screams and purple face. Will projectile pee and poop the instant the diaper is opened and target is spotted. This model is particularly sensitive to being put down...must be constantly patted/pacifiered/walked/rocked. Ceasing this motion will result in instant return to loud, wheezy scream mentioned above.

Sounds pretty sure-fire, right? And they used to say abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control. Not anymore!

The only drawback to our new form of birth control...our models are nearly irresistibly cute. Which may make people not listen to their good sense and go and procreate anyway. See pictures below.

(We had the opportunity to try this out Saturday on Jeff's college roommate and wife (childless as of yet) that stopped through here on their way back to Ohio from a funeral. I had been a bit insulted that they specifically asked us to NOT bring our children to their wedding last year, and when then we got there, there were literally a dozen children in the same age range at the wedding. BUT, after my crew's little performance this weekend, I totally understand why my children were excluded at their lovely event. Quite frankly, after their little performance, I'm thinking about not inviting them to their own weddings in 30 years. And I'm quite impressed that they didn't run screaming from our madhouse on Saturday. If the situation had been reversed, I think we would've stopped for a burger and vasectomy on our way home. )