The good

Really, despite all the whining and desperation, things are going as well as can be expected here at our house. Mentally, I am WAY better than I was while pregnant. Oh, and physically. So here's a list (more for myself than y'all) of THE GOOD going on in our house right now.

1) Um, can we say marital bonding? I feel so lucky to have a spouse that I work well with even under stress and no sleep. There is no time I love Jeff more than when things are stressful. Honestly. We need family help more than ever right now, and we are still a cursed day + long drive away from anyone. It's times like this that we just want people to have over for an evening to TALK to and listen to Andrew describe the dolphin-o-saurus and chase Lily up and down the play equipment, and FOR GOD'S SAKE, CAN SOMEONE ELSE HOLD THIS BABY? I am not the first person to raise their kids without family around and I certainly won't be the last. Heck, my own mother did it 30 years ago. Not breaking any records here ;) So back to the marital bonding. Jeff and I are perfecting team-work. He is incredible. Helping in any and every way that he can. Letting me cry without trying to "fix" it (can you imagine?). And I am TRYING my hardest to let him lean on me. I let him sleep in one day a week...if you can count 8 am as sleeping in. And I am trying to hug and be hugged by him even though I am so sick of being suckled and clung to and leaned against all day. I am trying to remember that even though I am on personal space violation OVERLOAD, Jeff still needs affection and touch. And I watch the children pile on top of him, and I watch him stumble half asleep in the middle of the night to see if I'm "okay" while feeding Michael, and I watch him eat fast food for the millionth time when he doesn't want it, and I watch him fall asleep standing up, and I watch him doing the hundreds of little things to make my life easier...and I love him so much more than I did just a few weeks ago. Is it even possible? And yet it is true.

2) I feel physically wonderful...except for the mind-numbing exhaustion of course. I cannot express how wonderful it is to be able to sit on the floor without ruining my whole day. To eat breakfast and not feel sick to my stomach for hours afterward. To roll over in bed without horrific pain and to only go to the bathroom a few times a day. -sigh- I love not being pregnant.

3) I actually think I feel better emotionally than I did while pregnant as well. I certainly cry more now...but that's from feeling overwhelmed and tired and lonely. I am relieved to not feel the dread and fear that I felt my entire pregnancy. I'm not scared of having 3 kids anymore...I'm doing it. And while I can say that I regretted getting pregnant, since Michael has arrived, there has not been one single moment that I have regretted having him. Not even a second. That goes for my other two as well. It is insane, and I think I probably SHOULD be regretting having 3 kids, but I just love them all...all 3. How could I possibly give up any of them?

4) I have moments where I feel like I may not be doing too bad after all. We arrived early at gym class (I always give myself LOTS of wiggle room just in case things go awry on the way). Andrew struck up a conversation with a grandmother, who started telling the story of when her grandson was born. His big sister got quite sick of him because babies get so much attention and require so much work. I asked Andrew if he felt that way at home...that Michael got a lot of attention. Andrew nodded and then turned to the grandmother and said, "But even when Mom is taking care of Michael, we play the best pretend games together." And it made me kind of glow inside, because maybe, just maybe, Andrew will have fond memories of us together DESPITE the exhaustion and short patience fuse, etc etc etc. -sigh- It really is going to be okay.

5) Lily is just...oh...there are not words to describe her. Wonderful? When I'm with her, I think that she may just be my favorite child. Until one of the other kids does something...you know how it goes. She's just funny and happy and tantruming and...ugh...fantastic. And the other night, I was drying her off from her bath and I laid Michael down on the bed next to her (uh, yea, about that...the guest bed is now Lily's changing table...will anyone ever visit us again?). Anyway, she just sat there gently stroking his arm saying, "Hi, baby" over and over in the sweetest softest voice. And I was moved almost to tears...so sweet was the moment. I swear, I think she loves him. I didn't think that it was possible for an 19 month old to truly feel that with another little person, but I see it in her eyes when she looks at Michael. She insists on saying goodnight to him, she looks for him when she comes downstairs, and she even will call him "Mike" now...not very often, but we're making progress. Again, it reassures me that I have not ruined her life by bringing another baby to interrupt her own babyhood. She loves him. And that makes me happy...that instead of ruining, I've actually given her this amazing little person. Yay for ineffective birth control!

6) I got my very first social smile from Michael today. I've been desperately trying to get one out of him (my other kids smiled around 4 weeks...and he's 6 weeks...perhaps it's because he is constantly in the sling and therefore gets no face time with anyone?) Today he rewarded my efforts with a huge open mouth gummy grin as he gazed into my eyes. Oh, and he's cooing. Is there any sound in the world as wonderful as a baby's coo? When I was panicking during pregnancy, I was so focused on the negatives about babies, I totally forgot about all the wonderful things. And baby coos and baby smiles are high on that list.

7) I am getting quite good at going out with the 3 children. I'm getting braver and braver. We went to the grocery on Tuesday night. Just me and the rugrats. We left unscathed. We went to the library yesterday. Again, just me and the rugrats...and it was raining! And I get so many looks and comments. But rather than being upset by them, I actually feel proud. Like, Hell, yea I have 3 kids close in age. And look how well behaved they are. (I will eat these words as soon as we have a bad outing...but so far so good).

8) Andrew started talking at the kitchen table today, and I assumed he was talking to me. Conversation went something like this:
Me: What did you say, Andrew?
Andrew: I'm not talking to you, Mom. I'm talking to my pretend friend.
Me: Oh, okay.
a long pause
Andrew: Oh, man! I forgot what I was going to tell him!
Me: cracking up that my son is pissed he lost his train of thought with an imaginary person.

9) Lily is so excited when we pick up Andrew at school. Last week she stood at the door and yelled, "A-ew! A-ew! Hi! A-ew!" Today she yelled, "They he is!" when she saw him. At gym class she told him, "A-ew, shoes, bye bye" (Andrew get your shoes so we can go bye bye). She melts all around her with her cuteness. And I love that people are starting to be able to understand her.

Okay, I could keep going. I know I'm whiny...and I'm going to continue to be. Especially when Andrew's school ends (in one week!). But life isn't horrific. It's what we expected...survive the first 6 months and then worry about everything else. Goal: Survival. And really, it's better than I actually imagined...so you can see where I was mentally while pregnant ;)