To whom it may concern:

Dear Grocery store cashier lady,

I did not want to come to your store in the first place. I am never happy with the customer service at this large grocery chain (that starts with a "G" and ends with an "unardi's") and your selection of products is usually piss poor. Today was no exception, since you were completely out of gallons of milk...of any % milk fat and bananas. Also? There were only two containers of vanilla icing left and only one box of dried milk. And no holiday creamers at all. WTF?

But I came anyway, because my eldest had a student council meeting early this morning, and you are the closest grocery store to his school. So shame on me.

After getting as many items on my list as possible, I was already in a bad mood, because I am going to have to go to another store to get milk. But then there was only one checkout lane open, and the lady was obviously a big coupon shopper. And you couldn't have moved slower. Every item scanned, you had to exclaim about the price she was getting and encouraged her to run back and get more...repeatedly feeding out the receipt to show her exactly what she was saving. My 2 and 4 year old were behaving marvelously, but I knew the clock was ticking. I asked you repeatedly if there was any way another lane could be opened. You smiled and said, "Don't worry, she's just running back to get one more thing."

15 minutes later, I was regretting my decision to stay instead of abandoning the whole shopping cart and trying a different store. My kids had begun fighting and pushing and gnashing their teeth, and you were finally finished with the customer ahead of me.

I anticipated your fighting with me to get a club card. I have a club card, which I don't carry with me because I hate your fucking store. And despite 3 times filling out the sheet, you never have my phone number on file. And you have a crazy-ass policy that you won't scan a store card. I understand this. I am fully aware that I will be missing out on your trumped up club card prices. No, I do not want to fill out a form for yet another card. Can you not hear my children pushing and screaming and tantruming? You've had me waiting in line for 15 full minutes. Just scan my GODDAMN GROCERIES.

I did not appreciate your comment at this moment, "You just can't appreciate how these are the best years. Someday you'll be sad that all this holiday magic is gone. Parents bring on the stress. You should just enjoy these wonderful years as they are."

Yes, I acknowledge that holidays with children are wonderful and fantastic. BUT THIS IS THE EFFING GROCERY STORE AND IT IS NOT FILLED WITH MAGIC AND FAIRY DUST AND UNICORN FARTS. QUIT LECTURING ME AND GET MOVING, ALREADY.

Sincerely,

Won't make this mistake again



Dear Lady in line behind me,

It did not help that you were nodding along and agreeing with the cashier's lecture. I felt ganged up on. Also, please don't ever again lean over and tell a 2 year old, "I guess you don't know that Santa only brings presents to good children and not naughty ones." Next time I WILL kick you in the teeth.

Sincerely,

Should have kicked you in the teeth.