Michael gets his laid-back personality honestly. I am *mostly* a relaxed, easy-going, positive person. I am not *usually* nervous, worrisome, competitive. I am not naturally depressed. (these are all subject to change when life...uh...changes in a drastic way. Giselle with new baby/Giselle moving makes my brain work differently). I am not on any sort of "brain medicine". This sounds all well and good. Except that I teeter on the line of lazy, unmotivated, and worthless. Okay...so I pretty much have fallen WAY on that side of the line.
I read a lot of blogs and talk to a lot of mothers (and occasionally even people who -gasp- AREN'T mothers)...and the overwhelming theme is GUILT and STRESS and WHY CAN'T I SEEM TO DO IT ALL and FEAR and OH MY GOD I HAVE DUST ON MY TV. People who have a hard time finding time to read a book or stay up until the wee hours of the morning trying to catch up from the day. They freak out about their children getting diseases or having accidents. And I read these things as I sit at my computer that is barely visible beneath the piles of crap, surrounded by toys...my God...the toys, which are sitting atop the needing to be vacuumed carpet, with windows that have no curtains in a room with no pictures hanging on the wall, next to the "hall of mulch that's dragged in by the dog/kids/Jeff", next to the unblocked staircase that my one year old could fall down, near my 1,000+ page book (I'm on pg 438...and having creepy nightmares about clowns already)...etc etc. I read and think that maybe...just maybe...laid-back ain't the good life choice.
Okay, so laid-back maybe isn't so bad. But I wish I had a smidgeon of guilt about being a total slacker. I look at my messy house, and my kids watching tv, and my lack of exercise, my complete and total inability to SPELL exercise without spellcheck, and my lack of career or even desire for a career...I look and I think that I could be better than this. I could spend just an hour a day cleaning and I could plan activities for the children and I could fit in an hour of walking/jogging/exercising and I could write the word exercise over and over 100 times until I could finally for the love of God not spell it exersize. I think this for about a minute. And then I decide that "I Yam what I Yam" and I go back to reading my gigantic book (seriously...clowns are ruined for me FOR-EVER). I just lack the stamina or interest to be better...to do better...to take pride in the silly little things that define my life. And every night I go to bed and envision that the NEXT day I will motivate myself better. But I wake up, and I check my blogs and read my book a little more...and on and on the cycle continues.
-sigh- There's no real point to this blog. I just feel...different...than most the people I read about on these silly little blogs. I am...happy...bored sometimes...but just generally happy with life...but I have the sneaking suspicion that when I die (probably young, since I prefer reading while eating Cheetos to going out for a jog), I will look back and wish that I had spent more time baking with my kids than freaking out about clowns (seriously...Stephen King knows how to touch a chord in your soul...). However...I am quite confident that I will NOT look back and feel bad about a dirty floor. Not matter how much self-improvement I wish for myself...I can't understand how this makes life better. ;) Too lazy for that.
This is supposed to be coming out as a compliment to those mothers who are stressed...I am worried it isn't coming out that way. I just wanted to tell you that I am impressed by you and awed by you and think you are doing a great job. I wish I could be more like you...and I wish that I could pass along a little of my "non-guilt" so you could appreciate your own motivation and drive better. So you could see what things you are accomplishing...despite the worries that you aren't doing enough.
I guess I should stop looking for problems and enjoy the fact that I enjoy my life (except for the occasional baking with children part...seriously...it is right up there with painting). But in 5 years when I go back to work, I think maybe I should take some sort of drug to help me stay motivated. What's the opposite of an anti-depressant? Of anxiety meds? I need an upper... I'll start looking into it...maybe after this next chapter...
5 comments:
This is definitely a good perspective...I think I need to find more laid-back-type friends because then my feelings of inadequacy would fade a bit and I would just feel like a normal mom (this is meant as a compliment too by the way). I feel like other moms in close proximity to me actually do EVERYTHING and they do it quite WELL...and then there is me. It's hard to adopt a lower key attitude in that atmosphere, especially when those around you seem to just make it all work. I can't handle juggling full-time work and full-time mom--it really comes down to that. While I know it is by no means easy to be home with little kids each day, that is my true wish. Not being able to do that right now contributes ALOT to my discontent. Working full time outside the home is great for many people but it just isn't the best scenario for me. I am so thankful to be able to gain other perspectives from this bloggy world...it brings me back to earth in a good way & reminds me that perfection isn't a necessity for happiness. Oh yeah and when do you want to hang out with the kids?? I'll email you and I promise to leave my little black raincloud at home :) I have Fridays off for the summer!
I could use a little does of the laid-backs too. I'll try and steal some of your vibe. And I think it's great that you read so much. I've always wished I were a reader, but I'm so slow, and I don't make time for it. I literally think I've read and completed one book (for leisure) in the past - I don't know - 5 years or so? Ugh...
BTW - you should consider yourself a review blog. I'm on my way to the library to get some Mo Willems, and I suggested to my sister-in-law that we see the Totally Terrific Treehouses when we come to see them in a couple weeks.
Ironically I went to the bookstore today to finally buy and read "The Birth Order Book" that you've recommended so many times. It was in the Self-Help section!
Blue Daisy-- I bet the moms you watch do "everything" don't think they are doing a very good job at parenting.
I work full time, volunteer at my church and take my kid the the pool, museums, etc after school. I "DO" all these things to make up for the fact that I feel inadequate emotionally, because there is absolutely no way I could be a stay at home mom without ending up in an institution.
BUT-- I do know the moms you mean... and maybe they're making up for something, too.
G--
As a person who was highly anxious and is now happily medicated and much more laid-back, let me stress that being you is truly much better and much healthier for your kids.
Nobody is gonna give any of us moms a reward for baking homemade pies with our kids, or taking them to the museum every week, or whatever else we "do" with them.
I've just decided there are some things I am good at as a mom, and some things I suck at as a mom. So I try to do the things I'm good at (and enjoy) more often, and grit my teeth and bear it (and try to get the kids doing something else) for the things I'm not good at.
I do what is important for my kids...what I think is important. I take them to the library, read to them, and try to give them interesting things to do. And honestly, alot of this is for MY benefit, so I don't go nuts.
You're kids are great, and so are you.
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