Photo horrors

Ugh. What a morning. If you don't feel like hearing a whiny post...then stop reading now!

Okay, so Michael has never had professional portraits taken. No birth announcements. Nothing. Nada. He is almost 5 months old...I gotta take him in. I am totally overwhelmed with the thought of taking the 3 kids into the tiny JC Penney studio by myself.

But today was the day. I just couldn't put it off any longer. I scheduled the first appointment of the day (10am). That way they can't be running behind. The primary goal was shots of Michael, secondary goal shots of Lily (she is almost 2!) and tertiary goal of all 3 together.

Let's pause from this commentary to all chuckle at my optimism.

Okay, have you collected yourself?

This morning I managed to feed and bathe each child, dress them in cute dress-up clothes, and pack them into the car. I got a diaper bag all ready with extra outfits for all 3 JUST IN CASE. I timed the feeding of the baby so that he could take a short nap on the way to the mall so he would be not hungry, not spitty, not tired for the photo shoot. Lily's hair was JUST SO. She was given all kinds of bribes and distractions in the car so she would not tear out her perfect hair.

We got to the mall...15 minutes early. Michael had blown through his outfit...yay me for packing an extra! I got out the stroller to put Lily in...and...oh heaven's no...I've left the Baby Bjorn behind. CRAP. So now I have one single stroller for 3 children. Okay, Andrew doesn't count, but still. CRAP. There's no turning back now, so I put Michael in the stroller and let Lily walk. Oh the humanity.

Here are my complaints about the JC Penney Portrait Studios. Apparently, they have a new camera. It takes 15 minutes to load up and get ready. But their single employee doesn't arrive until 10 am. So guess the earliest my 10am photo appointment can possibly start. 10:15. This doesn't seem like a big deal to someone who has not perfectly timed everything for 3 small children. But 15 minutes is a LIFETIME to someone like me. Michael did not sleep in the car. So we were acting on borrowed time. Lily has the patience of a fruit fly. Borrowed time, people. Then...THEN...the single employee decides to ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE. I called 4 times last Thursday and never had anyone answer the phone. But since I'm standing there with my 3 impatient children and the camera is FINALLY ready, she thought it was a great time to answer. And of course it was someone with a complaint. So it took 15 minutes. So now it's 10:30.

Michael did get his pictures taken. Andrew sat in and I got a delightful shot of the boys together. But Lily? Cute Lily with the perfect hair? By 10:30, she was devastatingly bored and throwing a tantrum on the floor. In between pulling her hair out, that is. So I pull out my bribery snack and the photographer says, get THIS, she says, "Okay, come back in 15 minutes and I'll show them to you on the computer." WHHHHAAAAAATTTTT? I'm in a GD JC Penney. What am I supposed to do with my 3 children for 15 minutes...shop??? Plus, the next people will be getting their photos by that time, and who is going to show me the pictures when there is only ONE EMPLOYEE?

But I am meek. I hate confrontation. So I wandered around the store and came back. Lily is making escape attempts constantly. Michael is fussing in the stroller. Andrew is trying to make his siblings laugh by running full speed into the walls. Oi Vey. And the lady calmly tries to tell me about their special combo shots even after I tell her that I just want the basic sheets. Dear God, can she not see my children falling apart?

It was a disaster. So I tell my Michael and my Lily and my Andrew...if you are reading this as adults and you have always made fun of your mother for not hanging beautiful portraits of her family around the house...This is why. Now you know.