Before I begin, let me acknowledge that I understand you are all wanting "after" kitchen pictures. Let me also acknowledge that I now understand why so many people laughed at me when I told them my contractor could complete the job in 5 days. I promise I will take pictures tonight. I haven't yet because 1) the bottom of some of the cabinets isn't complete, there is still spackle everywhere we aren't allowed to paint yet 2) we have already cluttered up our beautiful new countertops...boxes of kitchen cabinet contents that I can't quite figure out where I want to place in our new configuration and 3) we still have no window coverings on the window over the sink (in our defense, it has only been 3 1/2 years at this house...), and the new counters are so shiny that every picture I take has major glare. So I need to take the pictures at night...which is when I forget because I'm burnt out from taking care of/refereeing the WWE marathon that my children are re-enacting in the house each day.
So there.
Now on to our regularly scheduled blogging...
While driving home from SC, I experienced a very awkward parenting moment, that I wish to share and get your opinions on. I'm not sure I handled it the best way possible, but I think that is how it goes when you are forced to do things on the fly.
So we were 9 hours into our 13 hour drive, and we stopped at a Chick-filet to let the kids play in the play area while we drank delicious shakes. Win-win. It was a really nice play area, and there were quite a few other kids. Sitting on the tiny benches with me were two fathers and a mother. The mother and I each had 3 kids, and her littlest one was this cutie-pie with dimples so deep I wanted to kiss them. I did not...that is thankfully not my awkward moment. Her older two siblings were helping her navigate the play area, just like Andrew and Lily were helping Mike. The mother and I exchanged the standard playground small talk, "How old is your...? Aren't they cute..." and then fell into comfortable silence.
After a few minutes, Andrew ran over to me, pointed at the woman's son and said, "Hey mom! That brown-skinned boy is helping his little sister just like I'm helping Mike."
There was an audible gasp and all 3 adults' head whipped in my direction to see how I would handle the comment.
I smiled and said, "Andrew, you should ask him his name so you can call him by that. Go see if he wants to play. He looks about your age."
I could tell that his phrasing made the other adults uncomfortable...although I couldn't tell if the Asian man, the white man, or the African-American woman was more uncomfortable. I think the white man was the most disturbed. I didn't address or apologize for the situation. It was an innocent characterization by a boy being raised in a mostly white community...there was no judgement in his statement. I was putting the shoes on my 3 kids at the same time the other mother did. Her son used my leg as a balance while he put on his shoes. She did not really react when I told her goodbye and waved to the kids. I could not tell if I had horrified her or not.
Once back in the car, I explained to Andrew that when you point someone out, you should identify them by their clothes...not their physical characteristics. That it could make people uncomfortable if you call out their weight or height or color of their skin. He nodded but didn't seem to really absorb it.
What would you have done?
11 comments:
same thing. Honestly I think it's super normal for kids that age to not realize that we don;t identify people by their physical characteristics. He could ahve just as easily said the fat kid, or the ugly kid. The fat that it was race is probably what made everyone uncomfortable. Ryan has done that before and honestly he is in a school where 86% of the population is African American or Hispanic (Less than 10% are caucasian). I think you handled it well and I applaud you for addressing it with him in private and not embarassing him in the play area. Does that help?
I think you did fine, and I'd probably do the same thing.
I think you handled it perfectly.
I agree. I think you handled it very well.
Giselle - it sounds to me like you did some good, quick, on your feet thinking and I'm really impressed with how you handled the situation. I hope I remember your words if one of my kids ever says something like that in a public space. I also really like what you said to Andrew when you had a private moment with him. I think the key was that you didn't react in a horrified manner!
Giselle, honestly I think you handled it really well. You certainly handled it better than I would have. I think I would have been mortified and stumbling over my words! Of course, race is such a sensitive subject that it is hard to discuss without drawing attention to it, which is, of course, what you are trying to avoid!!
I think you handled it perfectly! And I also think it's a shame that pointing out someone's skin color (innocently) brought out that reaction. I mean, I understand why that's a fact of our society. But if the comment had been about hair or eye color, no one would have cared...And Andrew was pointing out something that he and the other child SHARED- so his intentions should have been clear. You did good Mom!!
I also think you handled it well. That's a tough one...we were in a storytime a while back and at home Katy kept referring to one of the boys as "the black boy", who was actually a dark complected Indian boy, and like you said, she was describing him as she saw him (that's not a term that she has heard at home). I kept explaining to her that it wasn't a polite way to describe him, but she was only 3 and didn't get it. Luckily she never said it around others. But I will keep in mind what you said for future reference.
I think you handled it just fine. It was an innocent characterization on his part.
I had Colin ask me loudly if a woman with dwarfism was a real person. I told him in a very calm voice that she was. He asked why she was little and old, and I told him God makes people in all sizes and shapes.
He has a girl in his class that is missing her fingers on her left hand, and he called her the monster girl. So I explained again that God makes people that look different-- and that it was amazing she could write and pick up a fork even without fingers. Would he be able to do that? Also-- would he like being called a monster? I also told him learning her name and playing with her would soon make him forget she was different at all.
We've had the skin color talk, too, and I explained that people come in different colors just like other animals. A black rabbit and a brown rabbit are both still rabbits. Children are going to notice differences in appearances, and that is okay. What they eventually learn is that some differences are more important than others.
I think adults have more hangups with race than kids do-- which does make it awkward when a child makes a perfectly normal observation. You did fine!
Like everyone else, I agree-- you did well. But this made me remember a story my friend Cecilia (who is Sri Lankan) told me...
At some point when Cecilia was either in high school or college, her mom would call African Americans "colored people". Cecilia pointed out to her mother that African American or Black were generally more accepted race terms, but her mother disagreed and said "no, it's colored people/person". Cecilia pointed out that they would also fall into the category of "colored people", and her mom disagreed and said, "no we're Sri Lankan."
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