Why I hate baking Christmas cookies...in 12 steps

***Warning. Cursing abounds in this blog entry***

Step 1: I have been invited to a cookie exchange. I have not had a social outing with my fellow moms in quite a long time, so this is going to be fun! No kids, nighttime, an actual conversation. I don't think I've ever been quite as lonely as I am staying at home with my kids...this is an event to be relished. But I need 3 dozen Christmas cookies.

Step 2: My mother gives me many of our favorite cookies recipes. Some I discard immediately (I'm supposed to "shave chocolate chips" ? You've got to be kidding) (another has easy ingredients, but requires mini-muffin cups...can't find these ANYWHERE). She recommends the candy cane cookie recipe as a good one to do with kids, since you have to roll the dough into snakes. Bonus! I get to be a "good mommy" and spend time with Andrew as well as get to go to a party.

Step 3: I briefly look over the recipe and think I only need candy canes...I should have the rest of the ingredients on hand. Must go to the store to buy candy canes.

Step 4: Try and fail to remember candy canes on 3 different shopping trips. When you are shopping with a 4 and a 1 year old, it is hard to vary from your regular shopping patterns. Throw in a new target item, like candy canes, it becomes nearly impossible. I usually don't remember and/or read it off my list until I'm already past it. No way do we back track. Write it down on the next week's shopping list. Fail and repeat. Fail and repeat. Finally go to the store without the kids on a crazy evening that I feel like I must tear out my hair if I don't have one single second to myself. Finally find the canes.

Step 5: Get reluctant 4 year old excited about baking. We have Sunday to do this, since Jeff is around to watch Lily. I spend a half hour talking up how we get to mix the ingredients (yes, Andrew, you can try cracking the egg), and then roll them out, and then smash up candy canes with a rolling pin. Once he is on board, we get out the mixing bowl, and realize I don't own Almond extract. Jeff is out with Lily (and consequently the car seats), so we have to delay cookie baking.

Step 6: Go out later Sunday evening and find TWO grocery stores are completely out of Almond extract. Mutter explitives under breath and give up for the weekend. Party is Tuesday. I can make cookies Monday.

Step 7: Spend Monday morning getting ready for MOMS club meeting...which after delivering my charity items I have to leave when I notice Andrew has drippy red eyes. On the way home with Mr. Infection, I make a quick trip to the grocery, a different grocery, for Almond extract. Find it. With 2 kids in tow. This is marked as a great victory in the alums of my life.

Step 8: Put Lily down for a nap. She missed her morning nap, so she should be exhausted. Start countdown...we now have about 2 hours to make cookies. Lily begins screaming, so nap isn't looking good for today, but we begin anyway.

Step 9: Try to get counter cleared off so we have space to make cookies. I can't load and unload dishwasher when Lily is awake, but I can't waste this precious baking time loading and unloading a dishwasher. Must make piles. At the same time, try to once again get Andrew excited to bake with me. Since he woke up at 5:10 am, he is NOT in the mood. In fact, he is crying and lying on the floor because his Matchbox toy won't spin in a circle...or some other nonsense.

Step 10: Get out Vanilla extract. Smells bad. Heaven only knows how old it is. Me baking for Christmas is a desperate act done by a non-professional. The same as someone performing CPR to a stranger in need. You know it must be done, you took a class on it long ago, so you know the basics, but you basically don't have a clue what you are doing. Luckily, I anticipated this, so I bought a new bottle. Score two for me.

Step 11: Drag 4 year old up to his room for a Mommy-imposed nap. Now I get to listen to the caroling of 2 screaming children as I happily bake. Must hurry with the baking...Lily has been crying for 30 minutes now, and is obviously not calming down to nap.

Step 12: Separate dough and dye one batch red. Immediately obvious that I have not split the dough evenly. Shit. Make cookies anyway. Yields 15 GODDAMN COOKIES. My week of stress and effort in getting ingredients for 15 GODDAMN COOKIES!!! Go to get extra flour to make another batch...and we are out. My husband was experimenting with the bread machine yesterday and used up most of the flour. So I now need to make another trip to the GODDAMN grocery with my two napless children to get GODDAMN FLOUR so I can make another 2 batches of cookies tonight so I can go to the GODDAMN PARTY.

Oh, who needs socialization. Screw it. I'm not making any more cookies. I'll have another opportunity to go out without the kids next year. I'll just start making cookies in July.