Be nice to the pregnant lady...

I had a doctor's appointment last night. Snorkel-head here walked in and waddled into the restroom to produce the necessary excrement. I proceeded to write a capital G and then another capital G. Huh? There is no more than one capital G's in my name...my last name doesn't start with a letter that even looks like it. So WTH??? How embarrassing to turn in my little urine sample with a crossed out name on it. Frickin' moron. Did I think to take a fresh cup and start over? No. So don't mention it.



Anyway, I think the nurses and midwife listened to me wheezing and hacking up a lung and watched me wincing and waddling and decided to be especially nice to me. Some of the things they said were borderline ridiculous...but I'm choosing to believe what they said...because it's my prerogative. And I'm trying to stay this side of suicidal.

1) You look so great! Hardly 36 weeks at all!

2) Wow! I think that's the best blood pressure I've ever seen on a woman in her last month.

3) Oh! Perfect heart rate for your little one. He's just relaxing and having a good time in there.

4) Movement has slowed down somewhat? Good, let's hope he's getting uncomfortable so he realizes he wants to move on. Why else would he want to leave...open bar 24/7, hot tub is always the right temperature...

5) (midwife feels my belly and kind of cradles the baby head to butt). How big was your son? Oh, there is just no way this baby will get that big. It's too early for me to venture an actual guess, but I just can't believe that he will grow that much in 4 weeks.

6) So you've lost a little weight? Still looking fantastic for weight gain...total of 16 pounds so far.


Aren't they nice? I left feeling like the most bestest child gestater in the world. Sign me up for surrogacy, I'm so damn efficient at this. And then I twinged my back getting into the car and banged my belly on the door. -sigh- Reality bites.