Today was the funeral. We arrived in Ohio last night. The kids were very good, although for the entire 9 hour drive, Michael only slept 45 minutes. The other 2 kids didn't sleep at all. -sigh- How did I end up with the only 3 kids in the universe not lulled to sleep by the car?
Saying goodbye to Jeff's aunt hits me on so many levels, I am simply overwhelmed. As a wife, my heart aches for her husband...just envisioning losing Jeff just as the kids left the house and retirement plans loomed near. As a child, my heart aches for her kids...just envisioning losing my mother is almost impossibly sad. As a mother myself, my heart breaks for Bonnie and her children...I can't imagine going so young, just at the brink of the next stage of life...not getting to watch my kids and grand kids.
And yet...as I fought back tears all day, I felt a bit...I don't know...foolish. Who am I to feel this deeply about losing Bonnie? How do I deserve to shed tears when she doesn't share any blood and DNA with me? 13 years ago, I didn't even know her...and since then I've only spent a few hours with her here and there...occasionally a few days. I felt like I shouldn't be grieving like her nephews and nieces and brother and sister and husband and...heavens...her 85 year old mother who cradled her and sang to her as a baby 55 years ago. But...I am so sad to lose her. I really did love Bonnie, whether I deserved to or not.
Which brought me to this realization...which is maybe quite obvious and intuitive to most, but still... I really have fallen in love with this whole family. I didn't expect it or mean to. I fell in love with Jeff. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that he would take a large chunk of my heart and own it forever. I knew that I would therefore be incorporated into his family by default. Whether they like it or not I was now the in-law (or the "out-law" as my dad likes to call it). But as the years have passed, I find myself caring deeply about each of them and their stories and struggles and triumphs...really feeling like they are my family. I actually see most of them more than I see my own extended family and I think watching them all love my kids has made me soften even more.
This is sounding really sappy and stupid as I type it. I think this is another of those "middle of the night inspiration" posts. I guess I just struggle with standing side by side with this close-knit family and grieving along with them. I felt the same way at Jeff's grandpa's funeral a few years back...I just feel like such a newcomer compared to most and wonder if others look at my tears and think I am insincere. But I guess what I've learned since joining this family is that it doesn't take very long to love people as if you've known them your whole life. Which seems pretty amazing to a cold fish like me. :)
4 comments:
Very powerful post- I think it reflects how close you are to Jeff's family (who are now YOUR family too). It also speaks to the person that Jeff's aunt was- the impact she had on you even though your contact was limited. I think, too, peopole sometimes "take on" the grief of others and I am sure they feel supported by that- empathy from another can be so comforting. God bless your family as you grieve this loss and take comfort in each other! P.S.- Also glad you survived the car trip with the kiddies :)
I can't remember when you weren't a part of our family! You are amazing and I am so glad to share with you whenever we can. I am so glad that you could be there to comfort those who needed it. Bonnie reached so many people on so many different levels and it doesn't surprise me at all that you felt the impact of it, cousin:)
Also, I have been trying to state many of the same things as you on my blog but am nowhere near as eloquent. Thank you for you lovely sentiments.
I think it's also "It's the blight man was born for; it is Margaret you mourn for." Mortality SUCKS, and knowing the person it happens to brings it home way too closely.
Make no mistake. You ARE family. You just got here a little later than Jeff. You are right there with all the nephews and nieces and so you know how very special and loved you are to me. NO, Jeff, it is NOT rose colored glasses. I am just a very lucky aunt as was my precious sister.I will mourn our loss for sometime but take comfort in the memory of her love and warmth. Love you all.
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