Soccer starters

**This is a really long post...if you can't make it through, I have posted a few others beneath it***

I am a mother with many faults. I get that. Because of these many faults, there are often times I kick myself throughout the day. Yesterday was one of those moments. Why, God, why didn't I bring my video camera to Soccer Starters?

Memere and Pepere left yesterday. Surprisingly little sadness. I think it was because I was hyping up this damn Soccer Starters.

Soccer starters is for 3-4 year olds. It is put on by the local Athletic Club for a nominal fee. 3-4 year old soccer. Imagine. How could I resist putting my sports-obsessed kid in this? How could I not bring a camera?

Not only is it attempting organized sports from ego-centric, uncoordinated 3 year olds...it starts at 4 pm. For those of you without toddlers/pre-schoolers, 4 pm is right smack in the middle of the witching hours. That time of day that stay-at-home moms watch the second hand on the clock for Dad to come home...lest you kill the child. When they are worn out from the long day, but not worn out enough to nap, hungry for a snack, but not for dinner, bored with their toys, bored with their mother, and just generally cranky. Yes! Let's give this child a ball and ask him to share with others as they trip all over each other.

Andrew was so excited. I think he was envisioning a stadium filled with fans, and a field completely empty except for him, his ball, and a wide open goal. We entered the gym and Andrew meekly looked at all the other children. We were asked to bring our own soccer ball, and so the room was filled with 11 other 3 year olds possessively clutching their new treasure.

They got shirts. They met their coaches...two teenage boys that have NO CLUE what a 3 year old is all about. Here's a little rundown of our first ever "Soccer Starter".

The coaches first order...put all your balls into the goal.
Coaches thinking: In order to warm up muscles we need to set aside the balls for a minute.
3 year old thinking: Excuse me? I've been waiting all week to kick my very own soccer ball. Now I have to put it across the room...touching other people's balls? What if someone else takes my precious ball?
Result: Mass chaos. 3 children run screaming to their parents. One child goes and stands in the goal and refuses to come out. The rest mill about confused. Coaches randomly chase upset children.

Time to warm up! Coaches instruct children to do jumping jacks.
Coaches thinking: Jumping jacks get all the muscles ready!
3 year old thinking: What's a jumping jack?
Result: Mass chaos. Children trying to jump around, smacking each other in the face as they flail their arms.

Time to learn some skills. Coaches show children how to stop ball with their foot. Then they play red light green light. When they say green light, dribble the soccer ball. When they say red light, stop it with your foot.
Coaches thinking: Fun game to let kids run around while practicing soccer skills.
3 year old thinking: Why stop with your foot, when it is much easier to pick it up with your hands? What is dribbling?
Result: Mass chaos. Children are running about wildly, trying desperately to prevent other children from touching their soccer ball.

Time to practice kicking into the goal. Line up. In one long line of 12 children. Kick ball towards goal one at a time, and then when you are done, get at the back of the long line and wait for another turn.
Do I even need to paint a picture of how this went? This is about the time Andrew walked over to me and asked to go home. I couldn't blame him. These coaches were obviously delusional. This wasn't even fun.

Time to practice kicking to a teammate. Line up in two lines and face another child. Kick a ball gently towards that person. That person should stop the ball with his or her foot. Then kick back to their partner.
Coaches thinking: What were they thinking? It took them 10 minutes to get the kids lined up last time...how in the world are they going to get them to face each other?
3 year old thinking: Forget kicking it to that kid. I want to kick it in the goal.
Result: Mass chaos. The minute the coaches set the kids up with a partner, the 3 year olds take the ball and kick it into the goal. The partner without a ball runs screaming to their parent.

Screw it. Let's play a game. (yes, that's right...they decided to play a game). Split the 3 year olds into 2 teams and direct them to work together as a team to kick it into the opposite goal. Yes, that's right. Remember who is on your team, kick the ball in a certain direction,...oh dear God...this is making me sick just remembering it.
Coaches thinking: Dear God, there are only 10 minutes left. Let's just let the kids run around and kick the ball.
3 year old thinking: What? One ball for 12 kids? Share? Teams? Huh?
Result: Mass chaos. Especially for Andrew, because of all the balls they could have chosen to play this insane game, they randomly picked Andrew's. So he had to share HIS ball with 11 other children. Not good. Kids were bumping into each other and falling hard onto the gym floor. Every time a ball was kicked away by someone else a tantrum would ensue.

In a word...this was a disaster. Which was kind of to be expected. I was frustrated with the inexperienced "coaches"...and I could tell they were very frustrated with their players. Andrew was crying as we walked out to the car... until I promised him that he didn't have to bring his own ball next week. Then he perked up. We'll see. We're going one more week to see if the coaches can pull it together and make it fun for the kids. Oh, and so I can get it on video tape.