Friday ended badly. It looked up for a while...both Michael and Lily took naps. But while Michael woke up incredibly happy and adorable, Lily woke up ornery and difficult. Kind of the same as the morning...next verse, same as the first. Andrew came home from school, and I took them to Wendy's to redeem some free Frosty coupons that they got way back in October. A little "Sorry your mom is so incapable of handling the children that she chose to bring into the world" gift. Andrew happily scarfed his down and Lily complained that the spoon was too big, the ice cream was too cold, there was a mess on her pants, etc etc. Next verse, same as the first. Constant grating whining.
Got home, and Andrew made a chart that read, "Mommy Time-Out if she yells 6 times". I announced that any time he wanted me to go into a time-out, I would gladly. My crock-pot recipe was a total bust...meat didn't cook...so I quickly threw together one of my backup meals (smoked sausage, shells & cheese, mixed veggies, if you must know). We ate dinner. Then Andrew began once again throwing him sister to the ground. She was asking for it, but he just hits her SO HARD. Jeff and I each asked him no less than 5 times to go easy on her. But then he did it so incredibly hard, I was sure she'd have brain damage. So I did what any person driven to the point of insanity would do.
I had a full-blown, adult temper tantrum. Screaming (so hard my throat hurt afterwards) to Jeff about how I didn't know WHAT to do with the kids, that Andrew is so violent, he doesn't have any remorse about hurting his sister, and maybe I should have just had girls because I am worried he's going to grow up and hurt people since he obviously gets such pleasure from it. I look at Andrew...and he's SMILING at me...smirking really. Which set me off into a whole other dimension of anger. I burst into tears, pointed at him, and screamed at Jeff..."See? There's something wrong with him. He likes seeing people in pain."
Very mature. Great example. Yay me.
I scooped up Michael and maturely said, "At least I haven't ruined HIM yet," and went upstairs to get Mikey to bed. Michael healed my angered heart with his giggles and baby talk. I then went into my bedroom, where Jeff was changing for fencing. I announced that I was done being a mother for the day, and I didn't even want to SEE the children for the rest of the day. Jeff put both the other kids to bed. Lily poked her head into our room and cried that she wanted me to put her to bed. I told her I was in time-out for screaming. She readily accepted this and gave me a kiss before leaving. Andrew skulked in, and I apologized for screaming. I told him I was really frustrated and angry but I shouldn't have yelled like that. He asked if I would tuck him in...I told him that I just needed some time to cool off. That families get angry with each other, but they still love each other. That sometimes we just need to be separated from each other. I kissed him and told him to leave.
Not my best moment ever. I SHOULD have put them in their rooms before it got to that point. Separated the children into different sections of the house before it got to that point. Taken a walk with the dog before I got to that point. Locked myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes before it got to that point. Taken some Mikey-therapy BEFORE it got to that point. SHOULD HAVE. Will try to next time.
Saturday was better. I volunteered at the library for the first time. Such a soothing, productive 2 hours. Very therapeutic. We had good friends over for dinner. They were helping us eat this gigantic frozen lasagna that I never used over the holidays. We didn't clean up much for them. They tolerated our loud children. They are easy guests...it's so nice to have people over that you don't have to stress about.
Today is church in the morning. Swim lesson in the afternoon. Next week is...a week full of nothing just like last week. But I will strive to do the SHOULD HAVE's first this week. One thing about motherhood...you can't quit. You can't be fired. You just have to do better. I will.
7 comments:
Been there...done that!
OH honey. I have BEEN THERE. And there is no worse feeling in the world than that kind of remorse. I'm sorry. It can be SO EFFING HARD sometimes. I appreciate the fact that you can admit to these moments. I have a real hard time forgiving myself for them. But you're right. You can't quit; you can't be fired. You just have to pick up and do better. For what it's worth, I have complete confidence in you.
(And I have the SAME worries about Calum that you expressed about Andrew. I've probably said those exact same words, actually.)
Been there, also. I know the guilty feelings afterward and complete frustration during. I had a meltdown last week because I was trying to sit down on the couch and have a relaxing casual dinner and watch a movie with my 5 yr old and 1 yr old. The one year old was walking around and WOULD NOT STOP grabbing everything on the coffee table... knocked everyone's drink over multiple times and I was so put out by it. How's that for a great mother -- getting so frustrated because her 14 month old doesn't know how to follow instructions about leaving things alone? Ughhhh --- we all feel your pain.
Is it the time of year? I had a nice meltdown on the afternoon of New Years Eve- I was so peeved that I felt physically ill.
I think it's great that in the aftermath of some tough moments, you got some space but still explained to Andrew & Lily as appropriate...even if you lost it there for a bit, you showed them how to handle a situation like that. We're all human and you gave them a real example to follow.
Here's to a smoother week coming up and hey, you have travel plans soon :)
We've all been there Giselle. If not with kids, then with cats who have diarrhea on the family room carpet. Things will get better, I promise. And at least your kids know that you are human. If I lived closer I would come over and give you an entire day off!
You get to keep trying. What a privilege. Or so I try to convince myself when we have those days around here. I hope this week goes much better.
You poor thing. I have been there. Now that I have 3 I think about you all the time. I think, "How did Giselle do it?"
And I find myself angry and out of sorts ALOT more than I used to. We are very outnumbered.
My financial advisor, of all people, told me that as a parent we build up our "account" by caring for our kids, loving them, taking care of them. So that, in moments like yours, we deplete the "account" a little, but there is still plenty in it. And the kids know that.
Often better than we do.
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