Obsessing about change

Ah...change. I've always said that I don't handle it well, but I have to admit that the past 10 years have trained me otherwise. I think that I handle it quite swimmingly now. (Um, YES, I'm writing this by the seat of my pants. Um, NO, I will not go back and change the word swimmingly.)

When we lived in California, I was a mess. How I got out of there with an intact marriage and no scarring on my wrists is amazing to me. But I actually started enjoying it the last few years there, which I think is a sign that I had finally adjusted to living far from home (so it took me 4 years to adjust...I told you I was bad at change). Life in California, regardless of whether I was happy or not, was full of me imagining moving away. I knew that we were not in California forever. I spent much of my free daydreaming time imagining where we would live next, what our house would be like, how close we would be to family, etc etc. Not a very productive way to live, since it prevented me from putting down roots and making connections.

Then, oh happy day, we moved to Louisville. I had never set foot in the city, but it was only 90 minutes from where I grew up...as opposed to 5 hours by plane. We picked a beautiful house and within months that friendly mid-western/southern city had adopted me as one of its own. Now here was a place that I could relax and feel settled. Except...Jeff was miserable. MISERABLE. So I knew that it was also a temporary assignment and to not get too attached. Sure enough, 18 months later we were picking up and moving to Philly...another city I'd never set foot in.

HOWEVER. Philly was the site of the international HQ of Jeff's company. There were 3 plants, central office, research, and central engineering...6 different sites for Jeff to change jobs as much as he wanted. Which translated to me as...No. More. Moves. Here, finally, was the place we were to settle in. And for the first time in our married life I was driving by the high school thinking about when Andrew would start there. I was looking at neighborhoods with large houses and imagining moving up into them in 10 years or so. I was cataloging all the places that we could visit when the kids were in elementary school. Making friends that would be with me for life. A very nice way to live...this permanent thinking.

Until Jeff's company got sold this month. Now Philly isn't the HQ. Now the future is uncertain once again. And I find myself slipping back into the "old" way of thinking. My protective layering to prepare myself for another move. I find myself daydreaming about how to get our house ready to sell. What the cost of living will be in the new location. How close will I be to family. Etc. All this...and we have no indication yet that anything is changing for Jeff's job. All that has changed is my mindset. Back to obsessing about the next move. Which could be in 4 months or 4 years. But it is almost certain to happen.

-sigh- How do I pretend to myself that this is permanent? I like living like that much more, but I think one of the ways I cope is to imagine every possible outcome so I feel more prepared. I just have to figure out a way to fool myself... Because Jeff is seriously going to go postal if I ask him one more time, "Did you hear anything at work today?"