I am not, and have never been, very comfortable around men. This does not stem from any dark or haunted past. It is more of a lack of confidence, I think.
I was friends with boys in high school...but we were always in a larger group. I don't know that I would have been comfortable hanging out with them one on one. In college, I often felt awkward and unconfident in the presence of my male counterparts. (Which led to one of Jeff and my biggest fights in college...the one where he told me it was going to be a "guys only" night, and then I heard my (girl) friend A. in the background. Jeff's response was, "Well, she fits in with them better than you." or something to that degree. I was NOT happy with him...even if it was true.)
When I would babysit, the fathers always made me nervous. Even the husbands of my friends now make me feel strange. And this is not in a predatory or unsafe kind of way. I feel I am portraying this all wrong.
See, I am uber-confident with women. I know I can make them laugh and engage them in conversation. Drop me into a large group of women, and I will canvas the crowd and find a niche I am comfortable in. I am not bothered so much by women that I have nothing in common with. I accept that I will not be liked by many of them and I simply do not get involved in drama (although I am a bit of a gossip).
With men it is the opposite. I am quite certain that I am uber-boring to them. I don't care a wit about sports or beer or finances and I'm not pretty enough to compensate for those faults. Conversations feel forced, and I can't help but feel that they would rather be anywhere other than talking with me. Drop me in a group of men, and I will wallflower my way to a quiet exit.
There have been exceptions to this, of course. There have been a number of men who I instantly felt the desire to get away from. Like an irrational women's intuition kind of fear. I always felt badly about this, because there is no reason...no reason for me to have reacted in that way. There were several fathers that I babysat for and a few boys in college that just creeped me out. I always felt terribly about it, because I'm sure they were very nice people. But there was no getting over that prickle on the back of my neck and the uneasy stomach.
Other exceptions? There was this guy in college who I just instantly felt comfortable with. We had almost nothing in common, yet I don't recall ever feeling uninteresting or self-conscious and I know I made him laugh a lot. But that has been a rare thing in my experiences...which is why I married him.
This long winded dialogue about my problem with boys brings me to my latest issue with pre-school. There are several dads who drop off and pick up their daughters from school...every day. And Lily is in love with them. And I have been friendly and talkative with them because I am a civilized being and we have our daughters in common so that helps me feel more comfortable.
But our daughters want playdates. And one of the dads called last week to see if we could set up a time to get them together. So I invited them over to my house, since Michael naps after school. It is something I do all of the time with other moms. But after I hung up, I kind of panicked. What the heck was I going to do with this man? Offer him tea? Talk about my expanding waist line? Discuss The Help?
So I did what any self-respecting boyphobic person would do.
I invited the rest of the girls in the class and their mothers to come over also.
So now I'm having this huge playdate at my house on Friday. Which I have to clean and buy food for. All to avoid awkward conversations with a boy.
I think I may need therapy.
5 comments:
Hilarious. And DITTO. I have ALL of the boy-phobic issues you described. Had my first boyfriend at age 27 and married him - he was a big exception to the rule. I blame it on 2 things: 1) no brothers, and 2) a very quiet father (don't know if I want to call him distant, I love my dad, but we didn't have this super close relationship growing up).
And I've struggled lately as there are more and more stay at home dads and I don't know how to relate to them. There's one family in particular that our kids are good friends and they live close by - I've gotten to know the mom well (who works full time), so I've finally started to fell comfortable to do things like playdates with the dad. But I always suggest meeting at parks, etc. Feels better to me than hanging out at one of our houses. But like you said, don't think this is a healthy fear.
I must admit, a fear of boys is not one I share with you.
Anyway, I think it's smart that you're self-aware enough to avoid situations that will make you uncomfortable. Even if it does mean you have to host a huge play date :)
For me, it depends on the guy & his demeanor (and also if he is very good looking vs. average looking). I know, superficial but true. I'm wondering how many SAHDs feel a little awkward as well- despite dads at home being more common. If that one dad approached you about a playdate, perhaps he thinks well of you? Maybe he thinks you seem more laid back than some other moms & that's appealing from the dad perspective? Maybe the group playdate is a good ice-breaker. Next time, just set him up with a video game and some Sportscenter- you'll be good to go. (Just kidding, lest I insult any dads out there!)
Oh man, I would totally do the same thing!! I could have written this post.
Um, you could have suggested to him that you'd be happy for the girls to play at your house and he could have some time to himself. Problem solved.
Of course, then this might get you into REALLY uncomfortable territory which would be him offering to reciprocate and you not feeling comfortable leaving Lily alone with another girl child and her dad (THIS would be my super freakout issue----I can totally leave my kids with another mom.....could NEVER leave them with a dad. There is maybe one or two dads I know whom I would feel comfortable doing this with.)
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