Cuddles?
This house tastes so good! (Notice tackling in the background)
Oh, sweet heavens...this is the cutest baby in the universe. No, don't tell me otherwise. I'm allowed to be biased.
Now on to our regularly scheduled blogging...
I think most of you who read this blog of mine are married. And so you may find this post totally off base, or irrelevant, or whatever. I think I'm writing this down just because I want to (duh!) and perhaps to have down for when my kids want to (or don't want to) get married some day.
I am married to Jeff. I talk about him ever so infrequently on this little blog. He reads it. Hi, Jeff! I met Jeff when I was 18 years old. I married him when I was 22 (yes, Jeff, I was 2 weeks away from being 22. IT COUNTS!). I am now 31 (although I just had to do some mental math to figure it out...sad). I am no expert on marriage and relationships. This is pretty much the only one I've had. I had "boyfriends" before him, but I'd never been in love before, never had my heart broken, etc etc. Boring. (Yes, Jeff, I know you prefer "Stable" to boring).
I hear all the time how marriage is "work". "Work work work...that's all my marriage is." I don't like this wording. When I think of work, I think of something that is really difficult...like, I don't know, off the top of my head, chopping down a tree. Not that I've ever done that...but it looks like a lot of work. Or, say, being a blacksmith. Not that anyone does that anymore. Boy, this isn't going well.
I guess marriage is work...but my marriage seems to be work like being a crossing guard is work. You have to be constantly alert and aware of dangers, but you're not exactly exerting any energy. Yes, that's exactly what marriage is to me. I think Jeff and I put a lot of EFFORT into our marriage, but I don't feel like it's WORK to do it.
Like, I am constantly aware of the things that Jeff contributes to our family. I make a conscious EFFORT to thank him for the work he does...both at home and at his job. I praise him for being a good father and husband. I talk him up in front of the kids. And even though I am always thinking about how to slip it in, I really believe it. I think that by making that EFFORT to point out his positives, I am better at noticing and appreciating them...rather than focusing on the negatives.
Jeff is not so good about dishing out the compliments, but to be fair, I don't receive compliments very well. I know he makes an EFFORT to take care of little things for me, just to show me that he cares and is thinking of me. Like unlocking the door to the garage. He doesn't even park in the garage, but every morning he unlocks this door so I don't lock myself out when I take out the garbage or put the kids in the car. Not a big deal...but it send the message that I am a priority in his thoughts. Or maybe he just doesn't want to get a frantic call while he is at work that I have locked our 3 children alone in the house. Whatever...I choose to believe the former. He is better at forcing me to stop and make US a priority...like the one morning we were rushing around, and Jeff stopped me to get a kiss. When I pecked him on the lips and moved to continue rushing around, he wouldn't let me go and said, "Nuh-uh. You don't get to go until we REALLY kiss." Which we both needed to stop and reconnect on that particularly rushed morning. I could do with a little less groping...but I know his heart is in the right place (he is thinking with his heart, right? it couldn't possibly be any other part of him, right?)
Anyway, I am not trying to pretend that I know how to do this marriage thing any better than anyone else. We don't have certain stressors in our life that other people do, like job worries or money or illness. Jeff is particularly easy to live with. We both had great examples in our parents' marriages. Etc etc. I really don't know what I'm doing. But it sure doesn't feel like WORK...whatever it is I'm doing. Perhaps when people say their marriage takes work, they don't mean it ALWAYS feels like work...maybe it just varies depending on what is going on in your life at the time. Perhaps Jeff is reading this right now thinking, "DAMN, she is off base. I am working my tail off to keep this relationship running smoothly." Because probably just one half of the relationship shouldn't write a know-it-all essay like this. I sure hope that in 10 more years our marriage doesn't fall apart and it becomes inherently obvious that I should have been working and not just putting forth an effort.
I don't know what the point of this is. Just rambling. I just love being married...love it. I am definitely the marrying type. And I don't want unmarried people to be scared off of marriage just because everyone says, "Oh, marriage. It is a lot of WORK."
Whatever...I think I'm done spouting nonsense for one day. Go back and look at my cute babies. They make a heck of a lot more sense. ;)
4 comments:
I think it's great that you all have been together so long and are still happy, while being conscious of the fact that it is Work. And I agree, it IS work. We've been together for almost twelve years now, and it is definitely work, but it's good work most of the time. I hope it always is that way.
I think my marriage sometimes really feels like work and sometimes is super easy-peasy. It changes depending on what is going on, our moods, stressors, etc.
I guess I always think about that saying, "Are you better off with him or without?" Since we celebrated 11 years in Nov, I guess the answer is "better off with him."
But sometimes I want to knock him upside the head. (And I think I would want to do this to anyone I lived with...married or not. I remember wanting to do it to my parents, and I certainly sometimes want to do it to my kids. Why should hubby be any different?)
I would say marriage is more of a "decision" than it is work. I also think relationships are cyclical.
People fall in love over and over again during their marriage. The decision part comes in as you deal with stressors that come up in life.
Sometimes you feel like you're putting in 120% and your partner is dragging, and other times you KNOW you are the one who is dragging, and you're glad the other person is there to prop you up.
Andrea's upcoming wedding has really made me think about our marriage. People tell you weddings are the happiest day of your life-- no way! I would say every day now is better than our wedding day.
As for work-- Living with another person (be that a child, husband, roommate, etc.) is work. But totally worth it. And as you get used to each other's eccentricities, you work without always feeling it, ya know?
At the start of our marriage, I might have told you that marriage is work. Now, I would tend to agree with your take- it's not work, but more "effort". You have to steal that moment for a "real" kiss, stop what you are doing and appreciate the other person. Marriage doesn't sustain itself- the two people involved have to nurture it and there are lots of ways to do that. I really like this post!
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