5 days

You know...5 days until the "Big" ultrasound. When we get a brief glimpse into the unknown...will this baby have healthy organs? Have wiggly arms and legs? Have any problems because its mother has failed to take any vitamins? For the record...our sewage system is LOADED with them.

But I'm not excited. This baby was a mistake, remember? A big fat OOPS. So if in fact I'm not excited, and am in fact terrified of this little one... why can't I stop thinking about this stinkin' doctor's appointment? I feel like I'm 7 years old and Christmas is 5 days away. Picture quality will be horrible, you don't really get a good idea of what your baby looks like, and yet... I cannot wait to see my baby. MY baby. I love babies. I love their innocent newness. I love their wrinkly little skin. I love their tiny little no-butts. Love them. And I get another one. Little ole me...I get to have another one all to myself (oh...I'll share a little bit with Jeff...especially when its stinky). And I get to SEE it in 5 days.

I am still terrified. But I am starting to realize (and this may make me a little retarded...but whatever) that no matter how crazy life will be because of this little one...I am going to love it as much as my others. Maybe more, because it is the baby I didn't know I wanted right now. And I have to think, somewhere in deep down in my panicked brain, that all that Mommy-love for the baby will make everything okay. Somehow.

The funny thing is, I've talked to A TON of people with kids this close together. Even closer (I met a mom at the conference with kids 13 months apart, and another with a 2 1/2 year old, a 1 year old, and pregnant with her 3rd). You would think that this would make me feel better...that these women are obviously bathed, dressed, and out in public despite the fact that their children are so close in age. Their hair hasn't fallen out, and they are still able to eat...at least often enough to stay alive. Many of these women have told me how "GREAT IT IS TO HAVE KIDS CLOSE TOGETHER!!!!" Even the ones that didn't plan it. But I don't believe them. When they say that, quite frankly, I think they must have a few screws loose. I actually lose respect for them. I judge them. And I cling to the women whom I feel are honest, and say that it sucked for a long time when the new baby came. Call me a pessimist. But I just can't see how it can be "great" to have a toddler and a newborn. I think twins must be preferable, because at least they eat the same thing, are interested in the same thing, etc etc.

But what do I know? All I have now is a high functioning 4 year old (we discovered this morning that he can read and recognize numbers in the hundreds) and a terribly cute but slowly developing 13 months old and a very wiggly, very strong fetus. And so far, we're doing just great, thank you.

I'll let you know in a year how it REALLY is to have babies 18 months apart. And if I say it is great, you may assume I have officially lost my mind. Please have me committed.